I said "I love you" and he didn't say it back.

I cannot imagine anything more horrifying. Literally, I thought the only solution at that moment was for me to die. Here’s something about me that I had to learn several times.  The week of finals, I actually make more worse decisions than anyone I’ve ever met. Usually involving boys. My mind is completely fried by the end of the week. Instead of the normal reaction of the average college student of being on cloud nine after finals, I’m just in a lull where I need to sleep for days and not talk to anyone because I will likely get offended over anything or assume everyone hates me.

It was a Thursday, and I had one of the most up and down days of my life. It first began with a fight with my best friend. We never fight, and the few times we have, I felt lost and couldn’t think of anything else. Our fight actually involved my relationship with Sam- the boy I was somewhat dating at the time. (And what a mess that was). As I was dealing with the anxiety of fighting with her, Sam and I were on our way to Targee- a mountain resort near our school.

As we drove to the resort, I couldn’t help but be consumed with the thoughts that I was fighting with Christina. I felt sick and distracted. I tried to kick out the negative thoughts, but it seemed impossible to get this little fight off my mind.

It was also finals week. Finals. Okay, I have a very real pattern with finals week. First: I always always cry. This might be before heading to the testing center, while glancing in my planner to see so many words and unchecked boxes. It could be while opening my cereal box to realize I have eaten a box of cereal in less than 24 hours. It could be while packing. Before clean checks. These are all examples of when this has happened in previous semesters. On occasion or two however, the involvement with boys has seemed to bring me to tears just as well as anything else.

So we can see my emotions couldn’t be more at the surface. Perfect time to tell someone you love them huh?

We went skiing and despite being exhausted and anxious about my situation with my best friend, I really enjoyed myself. Sam was a great person to spend the day with and he always made me feel wonderful despite all I had been going through emotionally during that time. That could have also been a contributing factor to making some poor decisions.

We drove home and my thoughts wandered back to where I remembered I was fighting with my friend. To distract myself I consumed all thoughts onto the boy I was with and what had I in front of me. We arrived to his apartment where we sat on the couch and watched, “The Nanny.” To this day, this great once-favorite show of mine is somewhat tainted with the horror that followed.

Now, to understand Sam’s and my relationship would take so much time and explaining. I actually don’t understand it myself. We’re too much alike in unhealthy ways. We laugh at inappropriate times. We don’t like to hurt people’s feelings. We say things we don’t mean to make others feel good. Yeah, definitely some sort of great recipe when combining a great ridiculous relationship. Sam and I had said, “I love you,” in the past, but it was always followed by giggling and it never needed to be spoken that we weren’t sure if we actually had meant it.

Well.

Here we go.

We were sitting on his couch watching Fran flirt with Mr. Shefield when I looked at Sam. At this moment I thought I really loved him. I also thought I was going to flunk school. And I would never have time to clean my apartment. And that my best friend would be mad at me forever. I thought a lot of things at this moment. However, even given these facts I neglected to realize it might be best to refrain from telling him this while I was under to the influence of finals week and just wait it out until I was sure I felt that way…. Even a day later would have been smart.

I look at Sam in the eyes and said, “Sam. I’m in love with you.”

Silence.

What.

“Really?” he responded. Really. His response to “I’m in love with you,” was “Really?” I actually can’t imagine anything worse.

I stared at him and said, “Yes.”

He then said, “Awh, thank you.” Thank you. Okay, this was actually worse than any moment I have ever had ever. Did I actually really love him? No, I was DILERIOUS. And not only did I not mean it, I didn’t get the love in return. It was honestly one of the most insane ways I have ever dealt with any situation. I waited for him to say the words I desperately wanted him to say, but they never came. I was horrified. I sat. Frozen. And then. Yup. I started crying. And who wouldn’t really? The embarrassment level this situation had was actually astronomical. I couldn’t recover.

So what did I do? I got up, and I ran home. Not even joking. I ran home. I had dug myself into such a deep hole and I just needed to leave the situation immediately. I couldn’t imagine feeling more unwanted, more idiotic, more desperate. I needed out faster than anything ever.

He ran after me. I wasn’t bound to listen. There was no way I could recover from such horror. I wanted to die. I wanted to go into a tiny box and have someone mail me to Eazma so she could smash me with a hammer. Nothing he said could possibly make me feel better.

Well, the story gets less horrible. As it turns out, I did recover. I realized very quickly that I didn’t feel what I thought I was feeling that day. I was under such strong influences of anxiety and stress that I was driven to say things out of the complete blue. In effect I learned to hold those thoughts in until I had felt that way for at least 24 hours rather than 24 seconds.

My relationship with Sam did recover from that moment as well. The moment although scaring, did not determine the outcome of what happened with him and me. We dated more, we broke up. We’re friends to this day.

As bad as the moment was, I’m pretty glad it happened. I was humbled faster than I think I could ever possibly be humbled in this lifetime.  I’m never going to say something unless I know I mean it again. If the day were to come again where I allowed myself to be so vulnerable and I didn’t get the outcome I desired, I know that one day I’ll look back and laugh. I can remember my stomach churning to this day, but I also remember the lessons I learned.