I had the worst date in the history of anything

This actually happened to me plenty of times. One of which comes to immediate recollection when I consider this topic. I had graduated high school and worked at a resort for the summer. I enjoyed the job… The people were mostly great and I got to set up for weddings. However, this is where I met Kenny, the banquet’s bartender. Kenny was a nice enough guy. He was blonde, easy enough to talk to. He was also 24 and had an intense creep factor that illuminated him. Imagine my terror when he asked to take me on a date. My mother actually told me I should go. Grudgingly, I said, “Fine,” and planned a date for that Thursday.

He asked if I liked food. I said, “Are you kidding.” He picked me up at my house. He opened the door for me, which was nice enough, however I could feel the creepiness seep into the vehicle. It was one of those instances where you get in the car and you realize right away that the night is going to suck. And that their company if around you long enough, might kill you. While sitting contemplating how I could possibly get out of it, he told me that we were going to some restaurant I had only heard of because it was way too expensive and to me, Taco Bell was a food group not just a place you stop on road trips. I tried to hide my terror as we continued down the road, the beginning of the half hour drive to town.

Bellingham Bay. Why'd his face have to
interfere with the view.

We drove and drove as I looked longingly out the window wondering if it was worth a broken collarbone or wrist to jump out of the moving car. I decided probably not. The drive was painful. Sure, he could talk fine, but his smile made my stomach lurch like it does when I watch round two of Fear Factor. His little female car climbed its way up a hill where we finally reached the restaurant. The view was majestic, overlooking Bellingham Bay as the sun was nearly reaching the horizon. I inhaled the fresh scent of the salty ocean as I gazed ahead. I smiled as I looked to the right… and saw staring at me Kenny. His eyes piercing my skin and smile nearly sneering. Moment. Gone.

We went inside and were greeted by a bubbly hostess who led us to our reserved seats. Kill me. We sat in what I can only assume was the “best seat in the house” on the back porch overlooking the bay. The fresh air could not overcome my overwhelming feeling of suffocation, as I had to look across to see Kenny’s poorly constructed face staring back at me. After asking me useless after useless question, the waiter finally came to ask our orders.

Now, I’m not only a non- alcohol drinker morally, but also legally. For the next three years. This however, does not stop our friend Kenny from ordering the most expensive bottle of wine the restaurant has to offer. And this was the best part: When receiving the wine, he swished it around in his glass, smelled it’s fermented fragrance and sipped the blood-red liquid.  While sipping his grape juice, he mentioned other plans for the evening. He then nodded his head to allow the waiter to poor the wine one-third full.  This is something I only saw middle-aged men with pinky rings do.  He then proceeded to tell me about other evening plans for the two of us. A three course meal wasn’t enough? Guess not. He wanted to go for a walk, see a movie and go star-gazing. This is where I realized things needed to be shut down. So I went to the bathroom to devise a plan to SOS out of there.

As I entered the bathroom stall, I quickly grabbed my phone and speed-dialed one of my best friends. “Claire,” I half whispered. “He’s not going to let me leave. He wants to watch a movie and look at stars. Stars, Claire. Stars.”

She then responds with this: “Tell him I’m pregnant.” I laughed and said, “How would that solve anything?” And that’s when it hit me.

Okay, now I’m not advocating that lying is a great idea, or that fake pregnancies are hilarious and everyone should do it, but I am encouraging girls to get out of sticky situations that they have no idea how to get out of.  Which is why I made my decision to lie like no one’s business and get out of the date from Hades.  We decided she was to call in twenty minutes- around the same time I was done eating my free food. Peace began to fill my soul. I was going to be set free.

I went back to my seat and looked in front of me. I began to feel slight remorse. He really was a nice guy.  He wasn’t hard to talk to and he was quite polite. He just looked at me like as if at any second he was going to leap across the table at and eat me. And that was enough to make me not let the guilt consume me and to lie straight to his face so I could leave his presence until I had to see him at work.

After the multiple courses and what I had to guess took multiple hours, our check finally came, and we were on our way for the walk portion of the date. I kept my phone in my back pocket with a surety I would not miss my phone call.  We started down the dirt path as I became extra aware of every scent. I anxiously waited for my phone to ring slash vibrate as I half- listened to him blab on about… accounting? No wonder I wanted to kill myself. As I was considering hitchhiking home, my phone very loudly started to ring. I answered, apologizing, but with zero hesitation. That was when I heard Claire’s boyfriend on the other end saying in a girly voice, “Sarah, I’m pregnant.” Normally, I would crack and laugh at the situation, but I was desperate to get out of the most awkward marathon date ever. So I kept my poker face on and said phrases like, “Slow down… Who’s the father. Claire… Breathe, it’ll be okay… I’ll be there in a second.” Yup. I’m a terrible person.

But you know what. It did the trick. I explained the situation to Kenny and he dropped me off at Claire’s. This is where he tried to kiss me goodbye. Really. Did he really think this was going well? I turned my head, thanked him for my food and ran inside.

I learned something that day. I learned that if a smile creeps me out, it’s worse than sitting in a trailer watching NASCAR. I learned if I don’t want to go out with someone, I can handle it, go, and have a great story to tell after. I also learned that I never, ever wanted to experience something like that again. And that’s where I stopped being “nice” and said no if I knew the evening would be horrible.